Friday, March 5, 2010

Sky Mall Part 1


After Christmas I was coming home from New Mexico and a wonderful visit with my family. I was sort of basking in the glow of all of that laughter and love, all of the stories and shared past. I had just finished reading the book I had brought with me, and I found myself on the airplane and in the airport with nothing to read. I hate that. I had hours in front of me with nothing to read but what was in the environment.

So what is in front of you on the plane? The SKYMALL catalogue of course. I have enjoyed “reading” these from time to time. I used to do these science workshops for educators and occasionally I’d find something funny in there to share with teachers in faraway places about how science and technology is changing. You know, items like self-cleaning litter boxes that use motion sensing devices to detect when to sift the litter and send the load, in sealed plastic bags, to the dump where it will decompose in about 10 million years. That kind of thing.

The items themselves are interesting. You find yourself wondering who would get such a thing. What must they be like? Take the Instant Feng Shui kit. It has benefits at home or away. Working with electromagnetic fields, this handheld feng shui compass helps you find favorable energy conditions at home or anywhere needed. Using advanced aerospace guidance technology, it locates and calculates supportive energy fields quickly and easily to align your physical surroundings to help manifest your goals and intentions. This used to cost $399.99. But now, it only costs $199.99. That’s a savings of $200! For just $49.99 you can get a shielded carrying case (presumably to shield against bad energy) for just $49.99. With the advanced aerospace guidance technology involved, you know it must be an awesome positive energy detector.

I’ll just list a few more amazing gadgets here. You might have thought that all the research and development money we have spent over the years has been wasted on space exploration and weapons of mass destruction. Not true.

Speaking of aerospace technology, how about the Solar Powered Squirrel Boss? It is the unique brainchild of an aerospace professional. It electronically conditions squirrels to steer clear of the bird feeder. This little marvel features a remote control that delivers a shock to squirrels from the comfort of your living room. Can you imagine the hours of fun? The cost? Only $98.89. If you use this a thousand times, that’s less than a penny per shock. Seems pretty cost efficient.

How about a voice recognition Grocery List Organizer? It recognizes such words as ‘swordfish’, ‘emory boards’ and ‘lawn bags’. I don’t know many folks who can do without one of those. Cost? Just $99.95.

Have you ever messed up that big money pool shot and thought, Man, I could have had that with the aid of a little technology? Well, you won’t need to feel that way any more when you use the Laser guided pool cue. It provides a precise guide for every shot. Just $129.95.

When was the last time you threw back a shot and thought to yourself, Yuck, that was pathetically room temperature? Well, get your shot glasses ready for the sub-zero Lil’ Chill Shot Chiller. It is THE hassle free chill-and-pour system that virtually eliminates spills. It features LED illumination so you won’t have to fuss with chilling your shots with sunlight or old fashioned incandescent bulbs. Who doesn’t need one of these? The cost? Just $149.99.

From the ancient Shaolin Temples of South China comes the secret to maintaining near perfect health. The new Shaolin Reflexslippers. These little beauties come from the An Fei Province of China. They are specially constructed. The priests have used specially constructed slippers for centuries. If I had known I could maintain near perfect health by wearing specially constructed slippers for just $39.95, I would have gotten these things years ago.

5 comments:

Gloria (The Mamafamilias) said...

Maybe if enough of us sent in an order at the same time, we could get a group discount on the slippers. Too bad it's such a downer of an economy right now, or I could order one of everything.

Gloria (The Mamafamilias) said...

Oh, I forget to say that no, I've not seen any O'Keefes in the genealogy but hey, you never know. How big is County Antrim anyway?

Chris Hass said...

Sadly, I remember many of these items from the plane ride home from Philly last November. Do you ever wonder how the Sky Mall folks find all these gadgets? Do they get submissions, scout out talent, or have their own crack staff of scientists and visionaries? If it's the latter I can only imagine there must be "haze" about the room as they dream up their next invention and then giggle uncontrollably.

Ruth said...

I found some slippers in Sky Mall for Jim. They light up when you step into them. Perfect for old guys with bad eyes and overactive bladders. It really shows you didn't have anything to read on your nice, long plane ride. Been there. Ruthie

Kelly said...

This is absolutely hilarious; I mean, really, you have admit that possibly only Americans, who spend so much time buying things they don't need would come up with a remote controlled squirrel shocker. I think my favorite, though, was the 'good energy' detector. Funny thing is, if it is in a airplane catalogue it is apparently marketed for people who spend a lot of time on airplanes; if you take your detector on the airplane, turn it on miles in the air and realize the cabin is loaded with 'bad energy' what are you going to do? Get out? Second thought is this, they still apparently sell enough stuff to keep the magazine going. Makes one think. I know the desperate feeling of not having anything to read, it almost makes you feel like you have an inkling of what a drug addict experiences while going through withdrawal. You almost get the sweats and shakes, eh?